


Ravka's Next Top Tsaritsa

by zemenipearls (ayaanle)



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hollywood, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, F/M, I started writing this back in June and the irl events with the bachelor are eerily similar, M/M, Non Traditional Narrative style, Reality TV, Social Media, The Bachelor AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26227789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayaanle/pseuds/zemenipearls
Summary: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASERAVKA REALITY, LLCABC, 8/9cGenya Safin-KostykTune in next month to see our bachelor Isaak Andreyev meet 30 new women in the hopes of finding his wife! Isaak is a tender-hearted, bookish man who just wants to find love. Isaak would rather be having a picnic or studying languages than playing football or out partying. He wants a real wife and partner in life, unlike contestants in the past. This season promises to be more exciting and real than ever!
Relationships: Isaak Andreyev/Ehri Kir-Taban, Isaak Andreyev/Mayu Kir-Kaat, Jesper Fahey/Kuwei Yul-Bo, Leoni Hilli/Adrik Zhabin, Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 153
Kudos: 77
Collections: Grishaverse Big Bang 2020





	1. Pre-Production

To: Nikolai@LantsovCommunications.com; ZoyaDragon@gmail.com  
CC: Tolya@BataarSecurity.com; Tamar@BataarSecurity.com; David@RavkaReality.com; Adrik@SummonProduction.com; LeoniMUA@gmail.com; NadiaSound@gmail.com  
BCC:   
From: Genya@RavkaReality.com

You have been replaced and our lawyers will be reaching out to you.

Genya Safin-Kostyk  
Lead Producer  
Ravka Reality, LLC

* * *

To: The Dragoness  
From: Genya

You B I T C H. I hope his pasty ass (and it is pasty) is worth all the lawyers coming your way. I hate you. I love you.

* * *

**[They Really Did That! TRDTgossip.com]**

O.M.G. THEY REALLY DID THAT! Handsome towheaded tech heir Nikolai Lantsov, slated to star on Ravka's hottest reality dating show, was seen vacationing in Bora Bora with Instagram it girl and Victoria's Secret model, Zoya Nazyalensky. See the gorgeous pair below the cut for our exclusive photos, credits to Y. Vedenen for the deets.

* * *

**r/realitytvnews**

u/wafflewoman

Check out these photos of Isaak Andreyev! He's the new guy since Lantsov ditched. What do you guys think? Normally they pick kind of wealthy people, and they really didn't try hard with him. Another blonde haired blue eyed man with a jaw (I say as if I'm not dating a blonde haired blue eyed man with a jaw), but he's a scholar instead. I found all his social media. You can find the list below. 

u/lemonlimejimjams

I'm intrigued by the women this season… they picked for Nikolai right? And Isaak… is definitely not a Nikolai. Either way I'm starting a betting pool with my bf and friends.

* * *

**Producer Notes:**

Atiena K, 25. Black American. New York City.  
Upper class. Works in development for Nonprofits.  
Fears: Heights, Fire  
Personality: Elegant  
Possible spin: Stuck-up? 

Linnea O, 22. White. Minnesota.  
Middle-upper class. Pageant queen, receptionist.  
Fears: Heights, critters  
Personality: Bubbly, dimwitted, republican traditionalist  
Possible spin: Small-minded, racist. 

Birgit S, 24. White. New York City.  
Upper class. Influencer.  
Fears: Drowning  
Personality: Vain  
Possible spin: Will do anything for attention.

Ehri K, 24. Chinese-American. San Francisco.  
Upper Class. Music Store Owner, Music Instructor.  
Fears: Public Speaking  
Personality: Kind of boring  
Possible Spin: ???

* * *

**LeoniMUA** ( 👤 cloudywithachanceofadrik) hey everyone! for the first time since we moved to LA we're working on a show together! see my work on Mondays on ABC 8/9 central

(liked by **timtamar** , 3,000 others)

**cloudywithachanceofadrik:** look how talented my fiancée is 🔆  
 **nadeeznuts: @cloudywithachanceofadrik** hurry up and give me a sister

  
  


* * *

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE  
RAVKA REALITY  
ABC, 8/9c  
Genya Safin-Kostyk

Tune in next month to see our bachelor Isaak Andreyev meet 30 new women in the hopes of finding his wife! Isaak is a tender-hearted, bookish man who just wants to find love. Isaak would rather be having a picnic or studying languages than playing football or out partying. He wants a real wife and partner in life, unlike contestants in the past. This season promises to be more exciting and real than ever! 

###

* * *

**r/ravkarealitytv**

u/lemonlimejimjams

UNVERIFIED TEA: I have a friend who works on set and rumor has it, Nikolai backed out because they were going to produce the f**k out of him, but he already knew he was going to pick Zoya. There’s a paparazzi photo of them checking into the same hotel **six months** ago. And the execs weren’t very happy about that. They were going to bring his ex-boyfriend in to stir some trouble up! 

u/wafflewoman

Wait, tech bro Nikolai isn’t straight?

u/lemonlimejimjams

As a curly fry. Anyway, that’s shitty of them anyway if they were going to out him, but this season is already shaping up to be full of drama. The old lead producer was fired and Genya Safin-Kostyk was promoted to lead producer. I tell myself every year I’m not going to watch and then here I am, in my clown suit, with a glass of wine, ready to go.

u/wafflewoman

A viewer after my own heart.

* * *

BEHIND THE SCENES PHOTOS AVAILABLE!  
  
[HERE](https://strawberrylark.tumblr.com/post/628162909945708544/ravkas-next-top-tsaritsa-chapter-1) \- credit to strawberrylark  
[HERE](https://paperplanenomad.tumblr.com/post/628161570319515648/ravkas-next-top-tsaritsa-a-gvbb-fic-by) \- credit to paperplanenomad  
[HERE](https://saatanan-sorsasesonki.tumblr.com/post/628163287989796864/tune-in-next-month-to-see-our-bachelor-isaak) \- credit to saatanan-sorsasesonki  
[HERE](https://bdhead.tumblr.com/post/628147447163731969/grishaversebigbang-piece-i-am-sustained-purely) \- credit to bdhead  
[HERE](https://oranges-and-stuff.tumblr.com/post/628161668928716800/ravkas-next-top-tsaritsa-chapter-1) \- credit to oranges-and-stuff  
[HERE](https://namelessscribe.tumblr.com/post/628162507915313152/grishaversebigbang-grishaverse-big-bang-2020) \- credit to namelessscribe  
  
Many thanks to our chief copyeditor darklesmychuckles


	2. Season Premiere

Producers Betting Pool ($5000)

Villain: Linnea 5:3, Birgit 7:3, Lana 10:1

Underdog: Ehri 5:3, Atiena 8:1

Final Pick: ???

* * *

**Season Premiere Recap  
** _HeyFaheyHey_

Oh my god. That was three hours of my life I will literally never get back. My boyfriend and I settled down like we always do with our takeout, fuzzy socks, face masks, a bottle of wine, and the groupchat on our phones open. By the end of the night I was dozing off, yet miraculously some clown makeup appeared on my face.

Because I’ll be back next week.

First off let’s talk about that whole upset - Nikolai peacing out and Isaak coming in. What graduate school library did they pick this guy from? I honestly have no idea. I think it’s just to placate the women, because he sort of looks like Nikolai. He has blonde hair and blue eyes and is dashing and tall. How disappointing.

In a bit of good news, Sasha Morozova was ousted as the host after an expose revealed him to be a manipulative man who would use his power to sleep with contestants and abuse women. Turned out he was part of some weird celebrity cult, the Starless, that is now being _investigated by the FBI_. He was on that real crazy stuff. 

Alina Starkov, bless her heart, is the perfect antidote to that creep. The Kazakh-American was once a contestant on the show, who made the controversial decision to not pick any of the men, and marry her childhood best friend and sweetheart who made an appeal to her when she went back to her hometown. It was a sweet love story, although many thought she should have picked Nikolai. I have a sneaking suspicion Sasha was also making moves on her but I have no proof that’s just more unverified tea. Reality TV is wretched enough without throwing an abuser into the mix.

We open up in the pretty architectural mansion that has become synonymous with the show. We have to watch a whole bunch of boring backstory about Isaak, who frankly isn’t worth the forty-five minutes they spent gassing him up. At least they got rid of those “viewer watch party pop-ins” they did last season. A waste of time. 

I’m not gonna lie, barely anyone is memorable. There were THIRTY-FIVE women the first night. And most of them were, you guessed it, thin white ombre-haired women in their 20s who are either dental assistants or hygienists or influencers. They spiced it up this year with some who shill MLMs (that does not mean man-loving-man in this instance sadly, but multi-level-marketing aka pyramid scheme). 

I’m already rooting for my girl Atiena because she’s a dark-skinned black woman and she actually got camera time which means maybe she’ll make it a little farther. Ehri Kir-Taban is another surprise. She’s a sweet music store owner from San Francisco (where my boyfriend Kuwei is from!) and also the recipient of the first impression jurda probably because she could hold a conversation.

Linnea O (not to be confused with Linnea S or Linnea M) is an ice-cold pageant queen from Minnesota and was the first one to land a kiss with our maybe-lucky contestant. 

There was a lot of cleavage and bleached-white smiles, and “can I steal you for a moment?”. By the time Isaak was able to get to the rose ceremony, daylight was shining on the mansion. 

A bunch of women who's names you don't care about were sent home, narrowing the field down to 20. We will start keeping track around the final 10. I’ve posted a comprehensive list of all their social media for now, which can be found at the link below. Most of them have your typical instagirl aesthetic - lots of white and pale colors and blank spaces and flat tummy tea scams. There are a few standouts that are actually funny but we’ll see how they conduct themselves on the season, they’re not getting any free promotion from me. (Hey Ravka Reality… can you throw me some money for doing this? I know you have it…)

* * *

**BZZFEED**

After a controversial decision to allow Sasha Morozova out on bail, he has announced that he is writing a tell-all in response to his impending trial, where he plans to blow the whole Ravka Reality operation open. See his tweet and the best reactions below

Sasha Morozova (@sashamore)

There’s been a lot of misinformation around myself and the events at Ravka Reality. Not everyone is as they seem. I will be releasing my tell-all the same day as the season finale. 

Thank you to all my fans - S

* * *

**r/ravkarealitytv**

u/wafflewoman

I wonder which one of these women's 15% HELLOfresh code I'll end up using… 

u/showmethewei

Better than that essential oils shiller last season. You know she became the villain to embarrass her MLM-boss-babe self and make sales.

u/whoreazova

I'm excited for the tell all. I knew Hollywood would spin Sasha's story.

u/showmethewei

Are you on drugs?

* * *

To: Genya@RavkaReality.com

From: Inquiries@GhafaInvestigations.com

Thank you for reaching out. Your inquiry has been submitted. You can expect to hear back from an Investigator in 48-72 hours. In the meantime please check out our website, https://www.GhafaPI.com

* * *

To: SashaMore@Morozova.com

From: LarazevaPI@me.com

Don't worry Sasha, I'll be looking into her.

Best,

D

P.S. - Loving the book so far, thanks for the ARC

* * *

To: Bad Bitch

From: Zoya

Hey Gigi. Sorry to bail like that but you know how it is. Don't think I've forgotten you and David's elopement. I promise he's treating me well. Did you see him flash his ass at the paparazzi? I mean when you said pasty, I didn't think _that_ pasty. We're having a good time. Love you lots. Say hi to Alina for me, and give Mal a smack on the butt (with his consent).


	3. Episode 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the love so far! Your comments and kudos are feeding me.

**Episode 2 Recap**

_HeyFaheyHey_

On this first actual date episode, Ravka Reality is nothing if not formulaic. Here we get to see a little more of Isaak. He's ready to settle down, he likes studying languages and can speak Spanish, Russian, German, Farsi, and Cantonese. He used to have a government job as a translator which… is actually impressive. I'm shocked. After influencers and tastemakers and personal trainers galore, we find a man with some _substance?!_ Wow.

Our first group date we see Linnea O, Linnea M, Geena, Ashley, Lark, Jennifer S, Atiena, Venla, and Becky wearing tiny shorts and dresses (with the exception of Atiena's killer romper - please be my friend if you’re reading this girl) as they go on a beach trip. They set up a volleyball game probably so we can see all the jiggling and fake laughter. It's straight out of a middle America man's fever dream.

Isaak, for his part, at least looked deeply uncomfortable and like he wanted to die especially when an argument broke out between Lark and Ashley, who's names he got mixed up. 

They look exactly the same though, don't @ me. Geena ate all the snacks as they cried and hurled insults. 

The winning team got to go to a nice cocktail hour with Isaak, where he managed to drop a tray full of overpriced champagne all over a pair of Louboutins, causing him to awkwardly comfort Venla. The only meaningful conversation was with Atiena, where they discussed their work and upbringing. Turns out she is from the little-known but influential community of wealthy Black Americans along the East Coast, and uses her family connections for nonprofit work. You go girl.

She undoubtedly will not last on the show but Isaak did give her the group date jurda blossom which means she's safe this week, but definitely put a target on her back. Jennifer L had the audacity to say "she's not even that pretty" which has lead me to the conclusion that she's fucking blind.

Birgit Schenk receives the first one on one date. They go to dinner, she talks about her family shipping business, and they go to see some country singer perform a private concert where Isaak tries to avoid all the cell phone camera lights on him. He fails. They kiss with a crowd of rabid onlookers taking photos. He once again looks like he would like to die.

The next group date features Ehri, Linnea S, Dee, Caitlin, Kassidie, Ugochi, Emma, Jennifer L, Sabrina, and Kaya. They do some weird scavenger hunt thing and Kassidie deadass body slammed her way through Ugochi to some private time with Isaak. He nods and chuckles his way through it before joining the group and nodding and chuckling his way through the rest of the group date. It was so boring you guys.

As always, I get an affiliate kickback if you click links in the article. Help my boyfriend and I go to Vietnam this summer to visit his extended family!

* * *

@ **StarklyAlina☑**

I hope y'all know I was 200% wine drunk for that rose ceremony. Sorry I laughed at your picks @Andreyev.

(See thread)

@ **NikolaiLantsov☑**

Wish I could have watched but the service here isn't very good.

@ **Zoya☑**

Why would you watch TV when I'm right in front of you.

@ **Andreyev**

I don't think I'm allowed to say anything yet :(

@ **GenyaTVTailor**

Nope :) 

* * *

**@ehri.kt** Hi new followers! Thanks for checking out my page. Instead of following me, why don't you check out my folk's music shop? This is us at the grand opening when I was just 15 years old.

 **heyfaheyhey** hold up is that mayu next to you? one of the producers?

 **showmethewei** o.o

* * *

Yuri V (@whoreazova)

#1 Sasha More Stan. Check out my website fighting the propaganda at freealeksandermorozova.com 

@ **whoreazova** anyone else find atiena totally stuck up? send her home!

(see replies)

@ **heyfaheyhey** she literally just talked about inner city outreach on the show… bro…

@ **wafflewoman** you know what it is 🙄

@ **heyfaheyhey** 😏

* * *

**[They Really Did That! TRDTgossip.com]**

Tension is coming to a head - although filming wrapped up around 2 months ago Linnea O has been making cutting remarks about the producers. In particular Genya Safin. Rumor has it Linnea says some things on the show that could negatively impact her reputation, and she doesn't want them to air it. We'll soon find out!

* * *

@ **cloudywithachanceofadrik** this is where the magic happens! In the editing room we make all the soundbites that annoy you and get overplayed teasing the next week.

@ **oh_linnea** it's also where you assassinate people's characters isn't it?

@ **LeoniMUA** @ **oh_linnea** your foundation didn't match all season 💖 (✿ ♥‿♥) 💖

* * *

To: Gigi  
From: Tamar   
  
Hey Genya. You should know some redhead is lurking around the mansion. Whenever security tries to check her out, she’s not there. Keep an eye on your six.

Also Nadia wants to know if you’re coming over for dinner.

* * *

To: Genya Safin (Wife)

From: David Kostyk (Husband)

Dear Genya,

Nadia keeps texting me and asking if we are coming over for dinner. She told me to tell you that you’re spending too much time around 24year-old influencers. I agree. I’ll pick you up at seven.

Yours, David  
(Call Back: 310-123-7654)


	4. Episode 3

**Episode 3 Recap** **  
**_HeyFaheyHey_

“Jes,” I asked myself. “Why do you do this to yourself each week? You could stop.”

I cannot. I try. I look at myself in the mirror, ashamed, looking at a bonafide Ravka Reality stan in front of me. I loathe him. He is me.

Anyway. Let’s get to it.

We are officially down to ten girls. I’m still not really keeping track of them because once more, they all kinda look the same. It’s important to recognize that this season is moving along faster than most, because of the shortened filming time. Thanks to, well, Nikolai up and leaving them with one of the contestants instead of playing the game. Ravka Reality is currently in a legal dispute with the tech heir, although head producer Genya Safin-Kostyk has said repeatedly that she is on amicable terms with them, and still very good friends with the both of them

This has proved really interesting, and clearly the camera crew and producers are taking more liberties than they normally would in order to get a spicy season for a rather bland contestant. They aren’t wasting time with forgettable girls. I know who I can’t stand though - Linnea Opjer. Sources close to the pageant queen have sent me screenshots of a group message where she is casually using the n word to describe another Miss Minnesota contestant. Ugly business, you can see the screenshots below.

While we wait for the Opjer camp to make an official statement, let’s get to the drudgery. Our first date sees a bunch of white girls going to… a car show. A display of American-made masculinity as they show a quite nerdy Isaak driving their corporate product placement car of choice for the season. I’m not going to lie, that ‘67 red Cadillac was gorgeous. What was _less_ gorgeous was the girls being challenged to be car show girls. 

It’s interesting - Isaak also doesn’t seem to be enjoying these flagrant displays of sexuality either. In fact, he seemed practically green under the makeup. (Note to Ravka Reality makeup artist - I think he needs a heavier foundation). I think it’s completely fine for women to own their bodies, their sexualities. I do think it’s a problem when the man they’re allegedly trying to entice doesn’t seem into it. 

Not Ravka Reality’s best work here. This might have worked with Nikolai at the helm but not Isaak. I hope as the season progresses we’ll see dates tailored towards his personality. Group settings don’t seem to be working well for him and the types of dates he would enjoy.

This became obvious when Birgit got her one-on-one time with him on the date. He seemed to relax a bit and had fun joking around with her, they bonded over their inability to swim. The admittedly morbid jokes about drowning made Birgit seem less like a walking ad for instagram influencers, and like a real human being. Maybe… I don’t dislike her. What a surprise!

Linnea Opjer got the one on one date this time. The icy cold beauty queen from the North has garnered quite a bit of support on reddit, which calls her “real” and “a bad bitch”. Sorry to say she’s just a bitch, you know? For their date, they went to the zoo which was kind of cute. She made him hold her hand, he shared a bunch of facts he knew about animals. Over the course of the date it was revealed he is a former military man which, whatever. I’m not a fan for United States Military Industrial Complex reasons, but he also acknowledged that it was the best way for him to pay for college and he wouldn’t recommend it. I’m sure that will go over well with all the flyover states. #staywoke

They kiss at the end of the night in a horrific display of heterosexality and he gives her a jurda blossom. Like, I guess.

The next date was… surprisingly interesting! The girls all went to an indie bookstore where they had to find a copy of one of their favorite childhood books. I’m not surprised at the amount of Harry Potter’s chosen. Unsurprisingly the standouts were new friends Ehri and Atiena. Ehri picked out a book called After Hamelin - about what happened to a deaf girl who couldn’t run away with the pied piper and she had to go save the children. Atiena had a book called When You Reach Me involving time traveling. Kassidie picked a book called Godless that I know I’m definitely going to check out about kids who start a religion around a town’s water tower.

Who am I kidding, I don’t have the attention span for reading anymore when I’m so busy trolling reddit and also looking for reality TV drama. 

Anyway, Isaak actually seemed to enjoy himself as opposed to the car show date, as pretty as those old cars were. He was happy and smiling, and eager to share some of his own favorite books. The “contest” for extra time with him was a faux book game show hosted by Alina and guest star Tolya Yul-Bataar (fun fact, he’s a book blogger and also one of the security guards on the show!), where the girls had to guess what book certain quotes came from. Suffice it to say a lot of them did terribly. The winner was Ehri, and she ‘won’ some private time with him in a super cozy nook of the store with wine and expensive-looking cheese.

One of the cutest moments just had to be when they joked around about not being able to eat the food because the producers told them not to. If you are unfamiliar with this - most food on reality TV is purely for ornamentation so I have to say it was refreshing when they opened the wine and started drinking it enthusiastically and eating off the plate. Shout out to the sound production crew that had to edit out all the sounds of them drinking and gulping.

Down below, an argument started brewing with some of the women. Ashley started talking about how great Harry Potter was. Atiena looked increasingly irate as she went on, and Jessica was visibly upset. Jessica was the first to mention Harry Potter being problematic. Ashley then iterated she “didn’t see what the big deal was.”

An argument so heated began that Isaak had to come down and see what was going on. I’m sure the scene was edited heavily but it was clear that Ashley was saying some homophobic and transphobic things. 

Atiena, bless that woman, had one thing to say. “You’ve interacted with trans women before you just don’t know it.” At which point Ashley exploded and said she just “deserved to feel safe” in the house and in private rooms. I thought that Jessica was going to slug her and I would have cheered her on. Isaak, to his credit, said that Ashley could show herself out. 

She immediately turned on the white tears saying that she didn’t understand why she was being punished, but Isaak was staunch. My respect for him continues to increase. He gave his group date jurda blossom to Jessica, saying that he appreciated her standing by her convictions. Other girls were visibly upset by this, but I appreciated this. We rarely see transphobia addressed (even in a sanitized environment) on conservative-leaning reality TV and I think it has a lot to do with Alina Starkov taking over as host and Genya Safin-Kostyk stepping into the role as lead producer.

See you next week friends! As always, if you have the money or time check out my affiliate links below. 

* * *

@ **LeoniMUA** I found a 50 layers of foundation challenge, maybe that will make @ **heyfaheyhey** happy (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

(view replies)

@ **heyfaheyhey** I'M SORRY

* * *

Liked by **genyatvtailor, timtamar** , and 6.7k others

@ **jessicaliterally** Some of you have asked me if I’m proud of how i conducted myself that week with Ashley. Without a doubt, YES. You shouldn’t have to have a personal stake in causes to stand up for them but yes, this is personal for me. There are people I am close to who are in various stages of transitioning. And if that means one more bigot has less of a platform so be it.

* * *

To: Genya@RavkaReality.com  
From: Inej@GhafaPI.com

Hello Genya,

Thank you for reaching out to my company. I promise that confidentiality and thorough work is a core quality of my business. Because of the nature of this work and the individual you are asking about, I am taking this on myself along with my associate Mr. Brekker. Please see the attached contract that details payment and what you can expect on our end. Please use my scheduling link as well to set up a phone call at your earliest convenience.

Best,

Inej Ghafa

* * *

**Isaak Andreyev** (@Andreyev)

Multi-Linguist. Ask me about my thesis.  
Also I'm on TV.

I know that the military doesn’t have the best reputation. I wanted to clear that up. I was eighteen when I enlisted. I was eighteen and saw it as a way out of poverty. I don’t see it as a particular point of pride or passion which is why I asked not to make it a “storyline” this season.

(see comment thread)

@ **StarklyAlina☑** But do you have a camaro?

@ **Andreyev** I can’t stand you.

@ **StarklyAlina☑** :)


	5. Episode 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going through and re-formatting chapters to make it easier to read - thanks for following along friends!

To: M

From: E

I can't believe it worked. We got this. You two look cute together.

* * *

**Episode 4 Recap** **  
** _ HeyFaheyHey _

I always talk about how petty all the girls are, but this week there was no drama and it was one of the most boring episodes in existence. I want to talk about what’s going on behind the scenes but first our obligatory recap.

Eight girls left. 

There was one group date where they went to a theme park, Isaak threw up after the roller coaster. He went on a charming one on one date with Atiena, where they volunteered with senior citizens. The two of them shared an absolutely adorable dance in front of a bunch of nosy geriatrics. Later they even shared a kiss. Could there be sparks between them? I don’t care at this point. The next ones left are leaving the country next week yay anyway, go look at reddit for a full recap by people less bored than I was.

Ravka Reality has been having its #MeToo movement with former host Sasha Morozova. As some rather disgusting details have come to light leading up to his trial, I think this is where we should spend our energy on this week’s recap.

Alina Starkov and Mal Oretsev were seen leaving an attorney’s office. Starkov, while a refreshing, sarcastic, funny host - has been largely silent about her involvement in the alleged events. FOrmer contestants have been coming out in droves. Their stories are all very similar. He made them promises. He flaunted his wealth and power, taking advantage of young women seeking fame.

Morozova’s twitter has been full of retweets and rants about these women coming out - saying they just want more money, more notoriety. His fans have been quick to run people off of twitter and call them all manner of names I can’t repeat. I believe these women. 100%. I believe he’s a predator, and I urge NONE of you to buy his book coming out. Definitely don’t pirate it on websites. Definitely don’t wait until someone has uploaded the PDF. Definitely DO make sure that if you read, you remember it is all propaganda. 

That’s it. Believe women, black lives matter, and fuck your feelings xoxo

* * *

Jesper Fucking Fahey  (heyfaheyhey)  
All up in everyone's business  
Talking about whatever I want

  


Y’ALL. I GOT A CEASE AND DESIST NOTICE FROM @SashaMo’s TEAM.   
(view replies)

@ **whoreazova** : That’s what you get for spreading misinformation.

@ **showmethewei** : Are you like, a paid shill.

@ **whoreazova** : No, I just stand up for good people. None of this he said she said stuff.

@ **heyfaheyhey** : He said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said she said also he’s being investigated for a sEx cuLt.

* * *

Linnea Opjer (oh_linnea)  
Miss Minnesota 2019, Ravka Reality Season 21  
For traditional women everywhere

@ **oh_linnea** : I will be reading Sasha Morozova’s book. I know what it’s like to be vilified.

* * *

From:  [ Kaz@GhafaPI.com ](mailto:Kaz@GhafaPI.com)

To:  [ Inej@GhafaPI.com ](mailto:Inej@GhafaPI.com)

Its Dunyasha, of course. It’s always fucking Dunyasha. I’m tailing her but she’s good. Watch out. She’s been hired by Morozova, I think. They’re all part of that crime family adjacent group. She seems to be fixated on Genya, you were right. 

Kaz

* * *

**[They Really Did That! TRDTgossip.com]**

Things are boiling over on the Sasha Morozova trial. Cease and desist letters have become the new meme and aspirational goal for bloggers. 

Ravka Reality has remained largely silent, not unusual for networks who have been complicit in bad behavior. Certain people have not. Zoya Nazyalensky, freshly tanned and back from her tropical vacation with Nikolai Lantsov, has been on a ‘like’ spree on Twitter with anti-Sasha posts. Genya Safin-Kostyk has largely retreated from social media. Alina Starkov took to the social media platform to say “he could choke on a giant pile of rusty nails, put bamboo shoots in his toes, and shove california reapers in his nostrils, and it’s still not enough” (liked by her fiance Mal Oretsev). 

His book is going to be released the day of Ravka Reality’s “Women Tell All”, the seasonal event where a bunch of women air out all their grievances for America to see. Stay tuned!

* * *

**malyen-choly** : I love my wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife.

**timtamar** : seems like it was only a year ago you sidelined an entire season of fake love because you were chopping wood shirtless in Alina’s parent’s backyard.

**cloudywithachanceofadrik** : that’s how i lost my arm : (

**tolyaso** : wait really?

**cloudywithachanceofadrik** : no

**nadeeznuts** : the moment he made out with his then girlfriend Cyn, we all knew Alina was going nuclear would never come back


	6. Episode 5

**Episode Five recap**  
_HeyFaheyHey_

Here we finally get to the travel episodes! Thank god, I was pretty tired of LA and various midwestern flyover states on the show. Isaak and the five remaining girls - Linnea O, Brigid, Atiena, Ehri, Kassidie, and Linnea M make their way to London. Which… is not as sexy as Fiji. The highlight was definitely Alina Starkov coming to announce the travel plan to the remaining girls while dressed like an English Dandy, bad wig and powdered face included. So much better than Sasha Morozova’s constant black suits and slicked back hair. 

The first one to get a one-on-one date? Unfortunately, Linnea O. And it was a pretty spectacular one. The two of them went to a diamond shop owned by De Beers (yes… that De Beers… trigger warning for extreme violence and colonialism on the link), where Linnea O was given a casual 2 million dollars in diamonds to wear for their date. Isaak kept asking “Why are these worth so much money” and honestly? He’s a real one. She was then taken to a historical dress shop where she was then given a ridiculously expensive old-timey gown to wear.

The date however was lost on Linnea, who was then whisked to a private performance of Shakespeare at the Globe Theater. Yes! That Globe Theater! Bonkers! Probably perfect for that fucking nerd Isaak Andreyev! Completely lost on Linnea Opjer who kept asking him to take selfies in the middle of Hamlet. That tragic Dutch Prince is way more interesting than the icy beauty queen. After their date, when Isaak was trying to have a discussion on the prevalent themes in Hamlet, she kept bringing it back to the dress and the diamonds. Despite all this, Isaak gave her a bouquet inspired by Ophelia’s flower speech which…

Hmm.

If you know anything about flower-speak, you’ll know this isn’t a great thing. And Isaak is too much of a nerd to not know this as well. Is this his signal that he’s only playing the producer’s game? If so, Linnea didn’t seem to care. She got her rose, so unfortunately is back for the next week. This was really interesting and makes me want to go back and kill some more brain cells by watching Isaak’s previous episodes. He’s an unusual contestant for sure. 

Next we have a group date with Linnea M, Ehri, Atiena, and Kassidie. The four of them go to possibly one of the coolest places outside of London that is now definitely on my bucket list - God’s Own Graveyard. This is where neon signs go to die and makes for a really fun and extraordinary time. They take pictures with each other and what’s more interesting is that the girls seem to _actually be enjoying themselves_ and hanging out with each other. Of course there are some “May I steal you for a moments?” mostly by Kassidie, who is feeling insecure that she hasn’t had a one on one date yet. 

Atiena was pretty quiet, despite wearing, once again, one of the coolest outfits I’d ever seen and looking absolutely perfect as they took all manners of goofy pictures. She seemed pretty close with Ehri, who did her own “Can I speak to Isaak for a moment?”

And for the first time in Ravka Reality history, we see some girl-on-girl solidarity!

Ehri dropped a bombshell to Isaak, that she heard Linnea O talking trash about Ehri, and saying all manner of horrific racial slurs about Atiena, who wasn’t bringing it up to him because she didn’t want it to become her storyline for the season, and she wanted it to be over with. 

Isaak for his part, looked horrified at this revelation. He never questioned Ehri. “I need to think about what to do,” he said to her. And I had to admit I was pretty disappointed in the moment. He did give Atiena the group rose and while some of the girls seemed understandably disappointed, no one was angry. But continue on, dear reader! 

Birgit had her second one-on-one date. It was annoying. They went shopping and then went on a nice walk around Oxford. Birgit is definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed but she is very kind, and seemed genuinely excited to be there as well, asking all manner of questions about Oxford. Because of _course_ Isaak did an exchange program there for a summer in college and of _course_ he studied for his thesis in their library. What else would we expect?

Back at the house tension was brewing, as Atiena refused to be in a room at any time with Linnea, who loudly talked about “the boys in blue” and other racist dog whistles. So it was a surprise when Alina Starkov came into the house to deliver an unexpected date card… a two on one between Atiena and Linnea.

For those of you who are blessed enough to be new to the franchise, on a two-on-one date, only one of the girls can be picked. Linnea already has a rose, but so does Atiena. It’s clear what this was about.

They sat down for a dinner where Isaak asked Linnea to explain herself. She immediately became defensive, and cried. She said Atiena was bullying her, which we all knew was a lie, and that she felt “intimidated” into silence. 

According to my insider with Ravka Reality (you know who you are, love you!), the entire date took about twenty minutes before Isaak asked her to leave. Atiena said barely a word the whole time, but she seemed genuinely surprised Isaak stood up to her. 

Kassidie and Linnea M were sent home at the rose ceremony that night, bringing our final three down to Ehri Kir-Batan, Atiena Kaboyonga, and Birgit Schenk. Nice!

* * *

To: M

From: E

That was amazing what you did. I don’t think I could have myself. Just a little longer okay, then we can be done with all this. I’m writing your letter of resignation for you, but I think I used the word ‘fuck’ too much. 

Fuck.

* * *

**Alina Starkov** **☑** (@StarklyAlina)  
Думаю, я намеренно создам проблемы  
Kazakh psyop. Family disappointment.

**@StarklyAlina **☑** : **I love trash day! I keep replaying the part where Linnea O has a snot bubble, can someone gif that for me?

* * *

**r/ravkareality**

u/lemonlimejimjams

I cannot BELIEVE. That was probably one of the most meaningful episodes of Ravka Reality literally ever. They actually addressed racism and the white lead ACTUALLY sent someone home? Linnea is crying all over social media, and has been stripped of her titles. 

u/wafflewoman

Genya Safin taking over as the lead producer is the best thing to ever happen to this show. I forgot that most of the women actually become friends and like each other, and it still makes for good TV!

u/lemonlimejimjams

Hard agree, wafflewoman. It’s nice to see the women root for each other. I still think something is going on though. I can’t figure it out. I will get this tea even if it kills me. (Just kidding, Ravka Reality producers, please don’t kill me.)

* * *

**Adrik Zhabin** (@cloudywithachanceofadrik)  
I make people sound better than they actually do  
Number 1 Leoni Hilli fan

**@cloudywithachanceofadrik** : Since people seem to be giving Linnea the benefit of the doubt (she’s blocked me or I would tag her), why don’t you all listen to the unedited footage of her ruining her life? Posted with Atiena’s permission. 

* * *

**Aleksander Morozova (@SashaMore)  
**Pre-order my autobiography The Demon In the Hills

**@SashaMore:** So sad to see a promising young woman’s life destroyed by virtue signalers.   
(view replies)

 **malyen-choly** : Man, shut the fuck up.

* * *

**LeoniMUA** : Believe it or not, you don’t have to ask me my opinion on every racist thing that happens on TV (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

**cloudywithachanceofadrik** : I can throw the hand that I have for you 

**LeoniMUA** : you’re so sweet

 **timtamar** : I’ve been going to those axe-throwing places, and doing well. I could jump in too.

 **LeoniMUA** : AWWWWWWWWW <3

 **cloudywithachanceofadrik** : I have once again been upstaged by a lesbian.

* * *

(liked by **LeoniMUA, ehri.kt,** and 2.5k others)

 **k.atiena** : Thanks for the support everyone! I am taking a hiatus from social media because as always, the trolls are in full force. In the meantime, if you’re interested in making a difference please consider clicking on the link.tree in the bio. 

* * *

**Los Angeles PD Police Report**

Case# 461975  
Breaking and Entering  
Reporting Officers: Officer Helvar, K-9 Trassel.

Report from Genya Safin-Kostyk about B&E to her office at Ravka Reality offices in downtown LA. Safin-Kostyk reported missing documents of personal importance. Please see the detailed report below. No suspects at this time.

* * *

From: Inej@GhafaPI.com  
To: Genya@RavkaReality.com  
  
I know who you are dealing with for this break-in, and I can say with confidence she’s been hired by Morozova. I can help you more if you give me details about what you’re missing.

Inej.

* * *

**Yuri V** (@whoreazova)

#1 Sasha More Stan. Check out my website fighting the propaganda at freealeksandermorozova.com 

@ **whoreazova** : Alina Starkov is such a boring host. I miss sexy Sasha :(

@ **showmethewei** : Unblock me you coward!


	7. Episode 6

**Episode Six Recap**   
_ HeyFaheyHey _

HellooOOOOOOOOOoo it’s the most wonderful time of the year aka the FANTASY SUITE DATES! Where we get to see Isaak stumble through meeting three very very  _ very _ different families and then go… do whatever he wants to do without cameras with these women. 

First on the docket is the beautiful Atiena Kaboyonga. They fly to New York where he sees exactly what she meant by upper class wealthy African-American communities. If you are not aware, these are the descendants of people involved in the Harlem Renaissance and black thought through American history. Atiena is mixed African and Black American as she explains - her father is from Tanzania. And Isaak is sitting in front of two very unimpressed black parents, and a curious (and very cute) younger brother.

Some of my favorite questions asked include “Have you ever been the only white man in a room before”, “Have you been doing any anti-racist work”, and “How do you eat your grits” to which Isaak managed to answer the most wrong way possible - he’s never had them before. 

They had a cookout for the two of them and it did my soul so good to see an unabashedly black family on television. Her dad was in those ugly ass socks and sandals combination manning the grill, her mother was pinching his cheeks and talking about how sweet he was, and that he wouldn’t be able to handle Atiena and her feistiness. Her brother was quiet with long locs and seemed unbothered by everything.

Which brings me to my next point.

They are cute together - but as friends. I love Atiena with my whole heart (if you’re reading this please become my friend, we can talk shit together), but I don’t see romance between them. So I’m wondering once more how Isaak is making his picks and if there’s something I’m missing! It has been common in the past to have producer plants but this doesn’t seem producer-lead. They share a kiss because they’re supposed to, before going into their shared hotel room with a view of the Manhattan skyline.

Sources say that most of the time people just talk without cameras present. I have it on good authority Atiena and Isaak fell asleep watching movies like a slumber party. 

Next to Brigit. Her father and two older brothers were there to greet Isaak in what can only be described as an East Coast mansion in the DMV area. Here we discover the Schenks are a shipping magnate, and there is a certain lifestyle Brigit is used to. She does not have a job, as we already established, and is an influencer. I will say that I low-key hated her at the beginning of the season but I have come to realize she isn’t cruel or unkind, just… unaware of the world. They spent her hometown date on the beautiful docks before having what looked like the most expensive dinner in the world overlooking the harbor on the sunset. They also went into the fantasy suite to, I believe once again, sleep and talk without cameras around them.

For the last hometown date, Isaak flies all the way across the country to San Francisco! Ehri takes him on a tour through Chinatown, including taking pictures with their hands on the lion paws by the famous San Francisco Chinatown gate. She points out places she spent as a kid, and they get lunch at a small hole-in-the-wall restaurant where there are no false pretenses. Isaak does what I assume is an impressive job ordering food in Chinese. Sometimes I forget he’s actually a capable man since ABC seems determined to paint him as some clueless bumbling nerd.

This is not lost on Ehri, of course. They then take their date to her parent’s music shop, where they look at various instruments and have a romantic date fixing up a violin that’s probably bought from Walmart, but overlaid with romantic music so you don’t pay attention to the fact it looks like plastic.

We don’t, however, meet her parents. Instead Isaak meets her friends at dinner that night. They are all very nice, mostly various Asian-American twenty-somethings with an Arab girl and a Latina girl thrown in there. If my source isn’t holding out on me because I owe them dinner, this is the only contestant where they might have done the funky monkey. Make of that what you will.

It’s clear to me at this point who the winner is. At the rose ceremony, a despondent Birgit went home to cry in her mansion. Next week the two finalists, Atiena and Ehri, will meet Isaak’s parents. Then, we have the finale. I think this will wrap up pretty neatly from here on out don’t you?

* * *

To: E

From: M

I can’t do this anymore, it doesn’t feel right.

* * *

**[They Really Did That! TRDTgossip.com]**

As TV personality and alleged sex cult runner Sasha Morozova has been taken in for more questioning and possible litigation before the trial (could a plea deal be coming?), we see a bevy of young women waiting outside the LAPD precinct shouting for justice… for him. They all show off their eclipse tattoos, the symbol of the alleged Hollywood cult of which he is supposedly the head. 

The more details that come out, the uglier it gets. An elaborate network of grooming is what led to many of these girls being drawn to his mansion in the hills. We’ll keep you updated!

* * *

**Yuri V** (@whoreazova)  
#1 Sasha More Stan. Check out my website fighting the propaganda at freealeksandermorozova.com 

@ **whoreazova** : Got my eclipse tattoo today in solidarity!

* * *

**r/ravkarealitytv**

u/wafflewoman

My boyfriend is a LEO and apparently he doesn’t think he can win this case… let’s hope he rots in prison. If I could stop his heart personally I would.

u/lemonlimejimjams

You’re dating a COP? Say it ain’t so…

u/showmethewei

I miss 5 minutes ago when I thought LEO was just an aggressive zodiac sign

* * *

**Zoya Nazyalensky **☑**** (@Zoya)  
If you're here you already know who I am.

@ **Zoya☑**

When I say he can eat shit, I am being facetious, because he is not worth anything that has ever come out of my body.  
(view replies)

@ **Nikolai** **Lantsov☑**

You’re so beautiful when you’re wishing death and destruction on vile men 

* * *

**Ravka Reality Television **☑**** (@RavkaRealityTV)  
Currently airing Ravka's Next Top Tsaritsa, ABC 8/9 central!  
Run by an underpaid intern.

@ **RavkaRealityTV**

In lieu of ongoing cases, as well as the safety of contestants faced with racism and other microaggressions from other women, we have decided to cancel the Women Tell All event. While we know this is disappointing, (1/2)

We want to assure you that since the firing of Sasha Morozova and making Genya Safin our new Executive Producer, the safety of women involved in the show is of utmost importance. We appreciate your understanding. (2/2)

* * *

**Adrik Zhabin** (@cloudywithachanceofadrik)  
I make people sound better than they actually do  
Number 1 Leoni Hilli fan

@ **cloudywithachanceofadrik** : tower of london selfie between sound editing. a lot less tower than i expected :/ seems like false advertising.

@ **timtama** **r** : i can’t believe they took out the torture devices in the dungeon

* * *

To: Genya@RavkaReality.com    
From: Inej@GhafaPI.com 

Subject: Upcoming Morozova Novel

We managed to find out what Dunyasha was looking for, you can see the attached press releases we managed to find. We offer protection services if needed - please let me know.

Best,

Inej

* * *

To: Bad Bitch 

From: Zoya

Stay safe, there’s a storm coming and not the good kind. His people have been snooping around and… it’s about to get ugly. You sure you don’t want to come stay with me? I’ll kick Nikolai out, I don’t care about him.

* * *

To: The Dragoness

From: Genya

It fucking sucks, Zoya. But I think I’ll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild spoilers, some TW for the next chapter! I felt it was important to at least put it here in case you need it  
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> I mean it, mild spoilers  
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> Some transphobia, racial stereotyping, in the next chapter. Thank you @wybiegovibey on tumblr for being my sensitivity reader going forward <3


	8. Episode 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you wybiegowritey for being my sensitivity reader <3 
> 
> Read their fics as well on AO3!

**Episode Seven Recap**  
_HeyFaheyHey_

The two remaining absolutely lovely women pack their bags and go to… St. Petersburg?! Wow! With a name like Isaak Andreyev it's no surprise that he brings his two lady (supposedly) loves to the city where he says his parents are from, before they immigrated to the United States when he was young. For the first time in Ravka Reality history, the two girls are seen spending the day hanging out by themselves, exploring the beautiful baroque architecture along the river before Isaak joins them. He looks strangely comfortable, even bundled up against the fall weather. 

Atiena, my girl… she looks miserable in the cold and keeps reapplying chapstick every two seconds. I am officially running a campaign to become her new best friend (Atiena please follow me at HeyFaheyHey I promise I won’t be weird about it). Ehri for her part looks like a little mouse, and pleased as a peach to be there. I can’t wait for this farce to be over and Isaak to finally pick her. It’s gonna be great! Atiena will go on to live her normal-ass life away from these crazy people. I don’t even understand why she participated on the show to be honest.

Ehri is the first one to get a date, where they go on one of the touristy riverboats and a Local Russian ™ tells them they look cute and asks if Ehri is Russian as well, and talks Isaak’s ear off about their 35-year marriage. It’s too perfect of a set up to be real so I rebuke it in the name of black Jesus. Isaak and Ehri go to a beautiful russian-style bath house where they strip down to their bits and whack each other with some shrubbery. (If you think I’m joking please just google russian bathhouses. They’re hardcore). They make out. It’s fairly boring to be honest, and then they go to the gorgeous apartment his family is renting. 

We meet his mother Lyudmila, his father Sergei, and his three younger sisters Petya, Katya, and Belka. They are an absolutely fucking adorable family, all light brown eyes and stern faces that break out into toothy grins at the sight of Isaak flushing and stammering over his lady love. When they find out that Ehri has some Kazakh family they freak out and proceed to ask her if she knows, I assume, every single Kazakh person they know who has emigrated to the United States despite living on the other side of the United States from them. 

They ask why Ehri likes Isaak, she talks about his intelligence, kindness, and upstanding morals. The fact she didn’t once mention how handsome he was, and kept smiling over at him made even this cynical-about-reality-tv heart flutter. It was adorable, and they gave Ehri their _resounding_ approval. This is the kind of date they usually edit to be at the end of the episode which has me… Concerned to say the least. When Ehri leaves they share a passionate kiss, and he sends her on her way.

What looks to be the following day in TV land, Atiena meets for their date. They go on a romantic… rooftop excursion? Atiena strapped on her boots instead of heels and the two of them went exploring the rooftops of St. Petersburg, which is a time-honored tradition. They have a picnic in the cold and snuggle up against each other. Atiena talks about how good a man he is and “anyone would be lucky to have him.” They have a lackluster conversation about their future “”””””””together””””””” for the television but no one believes it. 

The reception to Atiena is a little less enthusiastic, but they seem pretty fascinated by the fact she is. Well. Black.

I can’t think of a nicer way to say it, since they were by all means _nice_ to Atiena, but they definitely talked about how beautiful she was, and her hair, and her lips and… well. You know. The identifiers. Isaak for his part looked mortified and steered the conversation to her intense nonprofit work, including for immigrants, which they thought was splendid. Although his parents clearly loved Ehri the most, they were kind, and I think his sisters were in love with her and the (very stylish) dress she wore to meet them. Seriously - who provided her wardrobe. It’s obscene how good it is. 

At the end of the night they ask if Atiena would treat Isaak well and the answer is an emphatic yes. I believe that 100% - I think over the past however many weeks they’ve become close friends. They kiss for the television. But it’s not the sweep-you-off romance that is shared between Isaak and Ehri. 

Dear readers, remember how I said it was strange they had Ehri’s date first?

Well, Isaak is at the hotel mulling over his choices (aka how to let Atiena down nicely) when there is a knock on his hotel door. That can’t be good.

Of course it’s Ehri, and he is _elated_ to see her. I’m almost offended for my girl Atiena for a moment. That white boy smiled like he found oil. When he went to kiss her (I hope he’s brushing his teeth in-between all these moments) we hear the dreaded words that kill any reality TV romance.

“I need to tell you something.”

And of course that’s where it cuts to commercial, where Alina is standing all decked out in what I can also assume is a fusion of Kazakh and Western wear, looking dazzling with her bone-white hair. Which is also probably the healthiest bone-white hair I’ve ever seen, most of the time people come out looking fried. “Tune in next week for the _explosive_ finale of Ravka Reality!”

The only preview we see is Isaak looking shocked. UGH. What could it be?! What is the big secret? What is Atiena doing next weekend and does she like mimosas?! We’ll see.

* * *

**Atiena Kaboyonga** (k.atiena)  
Based in Harlem. Bad and Bougie.  
  
  


**k.atiena** i do like mimosas ;)

 **heyfaheyhey** KNEW IT

* * *

**[They Really Did That! TRDTgossip.com]**

**BREAKING NEWS!**

Aleksander Morozova, in the midst of legal and criminal drama, has released his book as a last ditch effort to garner ‘sympathy’. And boy do we have some spoilers for you below the cut!

In his book, Morozova paints himself as the poor son of a bitter and angry woman, and this is a recurring theme in his book - all the women who have done him wrong. Baghra, who rose up from poverty and went on to become one of the most well-known supermodels of her time, was a very absent woman. One thing that those of us at TRDT frequently forget due to his botox, is that Morozova is actually 44 years old, and the women he is regularly seen with are young enough to be his daughter. 

In the book one of the many women he alleges to have manipulated him? Genya Safin-Kostyk. He spends a lot of time personally ripping into Safin-Kostyk, who he says is a master manipulator who “plays the victim” because people “don’t like what she is”. What is she you ask? Morozova alleges that Safin-Kostyk is a trans woman and denies her allegations of abuse by him because “he is not gay”. The passage has already caused a massive uproar amongst LGBTQ advocacy groups, who say it is no one’s business and outing her is an act of violence. Which it is.

Excerpts below the from some of his other sections (warning for really terrible writing)

* * *

**Adrik Zhabin** (@cloudywithachanceofadrik)  
I make people sound better than they actually do  
Number 1 Leoni Hilli fan. 

**@cloudywithachanceofadrik** : this is me, genya, and nadia in high school. she’s always been a wonderful friend and he-who-shall-not-be-named has been creeping around girls after school for as long as i can remember. fuck him.

* * *

**Alina Starkov** **☑** (@StarklyAlina)  
Думаю, я намеренно создам проблемы  
Kazakh psyop. Family disappointment. Fuck Aleksander Morozova

@ **StarklyAlina☑** : It’s 2020, nobody fucking cares. You’re a rapist, a groomer, and abuser @SashaMo. Go take your dusty ass somewhere warm, like hell. Stop trying to distract from your shit. Also you're racist as fuck.

* * *

**Genya Safin-Kostyk** (@GenyaTVTailor)  
Executive Producer of Ravka's Next Top Tsaritsa

@ **GenyaTVTailor**

Thank you to everyone for your support so far. Of course the trolls are always out in full force, but this is nothing new. As a white, wealthy, woman, I still have a lot of privilege and while I would prefer to use my platform on my own terms, I am not surprised. 1/?

Aleksander Morozova hired a shady private investigator to break into my office and steal my medical records. Of course, because he always tried to find vulnerable young women from our International School here in California, he’s always known. This is not an issue for me. 2/?

However, he thinks he can bully me into silence which is far from the case. I am married to a wonderful, loving husband. He is a sad and pathetic man, and I am glad to take Ravka Reality away from him and put it in the hands of women he tried to hurt so much. Here’s to telling our own stories. Check out my link.tree for more ways to help the community. 3/3

(see thread)

@ **StarklyAlina☑** : I love you so fucking much girl. Sleepover with @Zoya when he ends up in jail?

@ **Zoya☑** : Count me in. Let’s invite @nadeeznuts and @LeoniMUA too.

@ **LeoniMUA** : (▰˘◡˘▰)

@ **nadeeznuts** : do i have to leave my wife at home

@ **GenyaTVTailor** : if you’re gonna make out with her the whole time

@ **nadeeznuts** : guess i’m leaving my wife at home

@ **timtamar:** :(

@ **DavidKostyk** : @ **StarklyAlina** @ **Zoya** @ **LeoniMUA** @ **nadeeznuts** @ **GenyaTVTailor**  
Hi Alina, Zoya, Leoni, Nadia. Would you guys like chocolate chip cookies, I have found an excellent recipe for them. David Kostyk.

* * *

**Nikolai Lantsov **☑**** (@NikolaiLantsov)  
CDO of Lantsov Technology  
Famous for being rejected on television

@ **NikolaiLantsov☑** : you can tell he's never actually met Alina because he described her as "bookish" and "meek" and "doll-like" when he met her. On our first date she broke my nose.  
(view replies)

@ **StarklyAlin** **a **☑**** : I've never read a sentence before in my life. And it was an accident.

@ **NikolaiLantsov** : That's why you and Mal are great for each other.

@ **StarklyAlina** : He lifts weights AND my spirits.

* * *

**Tolya Yul-Bataar** (@tolya so)  
Book Blogger. Ace Activist.   
Currently reading: The Grace of Kings by Ken Liu

@ **tolyaso** : Zoya apparently you are "exotic" weren't you born in Delaware, the least exotic State?

@ **Zoya** : As a poet, did you not appreciate the line about "a lithe jaguar in some humid jungle?"

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**r/ravkarealitytv**

**SASHA MOROZOVA BOOK MEGATHREAD**

11.6k comments


	9. Season Finale

**Season Finale Recap**   
HeyFaheyHey

What a weird fucking week in in Ravka Reality! It’s been two weeks since the last episode. We finally are on our season finale, a whopping two hours. Plus an hour long After The Final Jurda. Thanks to those of you who joined my livewatch party where I proceeded to  _ lose my entire shit _ for all three hours. I don’t think Kuwei’s eardrums have recovered (I’m so sorry babe). 

On the last episode we see a makeup-less and terrified-looking Ehri walk to Isaak’s hotel room in St. Petersburg. It’s honestly the perfect romantic backdrop. They go to speak on the balcony for some “privacy” along with the camera crew and millions of us viewers waiting at home. He is clearly worried about her and takes off his coat and puts it around her shoulders. It’s very sweet.

“I’ve been lying to you,” she says and in a rare moment of reality TV editing, where there is absolutely no background music. Nothing but two people talking, and it’s eerie to me. I’m used to something. Chatter, music, the edited thumping of a heart. But no, it feels very private and personal. Hats off to the Zhabin sound editing team for knowing when less is more.

Ehri then proceeds to tell Isaak that she has performed an incredible parent trap esque swap, where she actually switched places with the real contestant so she could have a shot on the show. Her real name is Mayu Kir-Kaat. Remember weeks ago when I said she was in a picture with Mayu on Instagram? Turns out the women are best friends, and Ehri wanted to bring business to her family’s store and Mayu wanted a chance to see what it was like.

I can’t believe no one caught her. Or did they let this happen??? Who the fuck knows. I don’t!

At this point I am wine drunk and yelling at the TV. We scared our cat. Isaak loses what little color he has in his face and stammers his way through questions. Did she really have feelings for him? Was that why he didn’t meet her parents? Was she just using him for a fun time?

These are all valid questions, although it’s easy to see Mayu was stung. Of course she had feelings for him, and her real parents were blue collar workers and would love him. At this point my phone is blowing up. All my friends are messaging me, and I am inconsolable.

Isaak says he needs some time and space to think.

Mayu has tears streaming down her face and I want to give her a hug while she leaves the room and immediately goes to (my new friend) Atiena’s room and makes the same confession. Atiena looks mildly surprised but instead hugs Mayu and reassures her. It’s a real female bonding moment we never see on TV and it makes me love them even more. Mayu spends what must be a considerable amount of crying while Atiena simply holds her. At another point we see a production crew member walk in - none other than the real Ehri.

The three of them have one of the most brutally honest conversations I’ve ever seen around how they never expected to be at this point - they talk about beauty standards and how a dark skinned black woman and an Asian woman who isn’t mixed or overtly sexualized never expected to make it this far. I’m sure this episode will be controversial in flyover states. But they’re flyover states for a reason.

They end up having a sleepover for all intents and purposes, and we see them ordering champagne, and all manner of room service and achieving that strange intimacy that can only be reached when you are awake at 3 o’clock in the morning with your friends whispering in the dark. They even made a fort out of pillows and sheets, the three of them eventually falling asleep after yelling at the camera crew to leave.

They’re woken up, hungover, and a stream of bleeped-out-expletives comes from Ehri. The real Ehri, who I also now want to be friends with. #FriendsForFaheyCampaign

The three of them groan when Isaak is at the door, now looking very confused. And he is promptly bullied away until they get ready. This has been the most bizarre turn of events and I’m here for it. They finally arrive at what looks like an attempt at the jurda ceremony. Both Mayu and Atiena have chosen the most threadbare of makeup looks and simple dresses, The two of them holding on to each other for dear life. Isaak tries to speak and is immediately stopped by Atiena, who pulls herself out of the running.

“I think you and I both know how we feel,” she says. “We were never going to get engaged.” All said with the most friendly wink as her doorknocker earrings dangle around and when I tell you Isaak doesn’t deserve her I am saying it with my black-ass chest. Isaak kisses her hand in an adorably gentleman fashion before giving her a hug goodbye. She then gives Mayu an even longer, tighter hug, COVERS UP HER MIC, and then whispers something none of us get to hear. Criminal! Awful! What was it?! Was it gay? I’ll make it gay.

So it’s just Mayu and Isaak, staring at each other with a gentle swell of music underneath which gets me hopeful. (Someone give Adrik an Emmy. I know it’s nerdy to know who the production team is but come on... ) As Mayu stands there in a simple dress and flats, Isaak - 

**_GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!_ **

**_And proposes!_ **

**_And Mayu says no!_ **

Hold up.

I did not get this emotionally invested just for Mayu to say no. Isaak looks like he’s about to pass out, eyes wide, mouth agape. Mayu then clarifies saying that she wants to date him as she is. She’s not the Ivy-League child of business owners. Her father is a janitor, her mother works at a daycare. She became a producer because she was enticed by the glamorous life she had seen growing up in American culture, and found instead that it was repulsive. She wanted to know what it was like. But now she wanted to be “real”. 

Isaak stands up and he looks relieved. Relieved! Wow! And says that sounds wonderful. He pockets the $1 million ugly ass van Eck ring with those hideous diamond halos and sticks his hand out. “I’m Isaak Andreyev,” he declares proudly. 

“I’m Mayu Kir-Kaat.”

“I would like to take you out on a date.”

Oh my god. My cynical, jaded heart has been shredded to pieces and it is born anew some strange, floral bi who is going to go listen to Carly Rae Jepsen right now on full blast until my heterosexual neighbors thump on the wall. Alina, when they pan on her, looks ecstatic in front of a live audience, welcoming us to After the Final Jurda. The couple looks happy and Mayu has a (much smaller, much more tasteful) engagement ring on. Mayu has an extremely stylish shaggy pixie haircut I adore, Isaak can’t keep himself from putting his hand on her. Around her shoulder, on her thigh, who knows. He looks thrilled.

We find out that they did everything “right”. They dated (exclusively) for a month. He met her parents, and they decided they really did love each other and got engaged. Alina said it was two-for-two now with seasons that veered away from the traditional. Mal was in the audience himself in a shirt that Alina probably picked out, because it was a little tight around the shoulders. 

I really am thriving right now. My skin is clear, my hair is moisturized, my boyfriend did the dishes. Sound off in the comments. Did any of you see it coming? Was this the best season ever? And why did you say yes?

Signing off for now - until next time! 

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**Mayu Kir-Kaat** (@KitKaat)  
Currently unemployed, oops

@ **Zoya☑** : Congratulations @ **KitKaat** on your engagement! 

@ **KitKaat** : Thank you Zoya <3 

@ **NikolaiLantsov☑** : This was a much better season than I would have had

@ **StarklyAlina☑** : No kidding since Linnea O is your sister.

@ **NikolaiLantsov☑** : Wait what

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**[They Really Did That! TRDTgossip.com]**

Surprising It couple, Mayu Kir-Kaat and Isaak Andreyev, have been seen publicly for the first time since their season, which blew the ratings for reality TV dating series this decade. It just goes to show that a little authenticity isn’t a bad thing. Alina Starkov set the precedent when she ditched Lantsov for her childhood sweetheart - let’s hope there are more true love stories!

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**BZZFEED TOP TRENDING STORIES**

Ravka Reality

Isaak and Mayu

And cut on AnKaat

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**LA TIMES**

Aleksander Morozova, also known publicly as Sasha Morozova, has taken a plea deal in exchange for the names of all his victims. He is being sentenced for a bevy of federal crimes, including transporting minors across State Lines. He is expected to serve 30 years in a federal penitentiary with possibility of parole after 20 years. He will be registered as a sex offender for life. Read more details from the surprising case below.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the comments! i will try my best to respond in the next couple days <3


	10. Post-Production

To: Inej@GhafaPI.com    
From: Genya@RavkaReality.com 

Hi Inej! Thank you so much for your help this season. I can see that the check has cleared. We would like to hire you on as a contractor for our show, to do deep dives into any future contestants. Please see the attached suggested contract, and get back to you as soon as you are able. Also, let me take you out for coffee.

Best,

Gigi

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**r/ravkarealitytv**

u/lemonlimejimjams

Thank you all for chatting along with me this season. I really appreciate it.

u/wafflewoman

Can you PLEASE tell us who your insider is

u/lemonlimejimjams

no ❤️

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**Leoni Hilli** (@LeoniMUA)  
LA-based MUA 💄 Follow me on YouTube! 🎞️  
Engaged 💍 #BlackGirlMagic 💁🏾‍♀️

**LeoniMUA** : (👤 **cloudywithachanceofadrik, k.atiena, kitkaat, andreyev** ) Brunch and mimosas with new friends and old!  
(view replies)

**wafflewoman** : Isn’t that heyfaheyhey next to your fiance? or half his head? i recognize those excessive ear piercings anywhere.

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****Mayu Kir-Kaat**** (@KitKaat)  
Currently unemployed, oops

**kitkaat** : Hanging out with the fiance. I know it’s super cheesy but I’m really grateful for this bizarre turn of events that lead me to someone who loves me as I am - not what I thought I needed to be. Here’s to decades of books and languages and hopefully some quiet. Cheers to us. (liked by  **ehri.kt** ,  **genyatvtailor** , and 165k others)  
(view replies)

**StarklyAlina☑** : welcome to the asian reality tv gang mayu, zoya is the president 🥂

**Zoya☑** : I am so glad you suffered so I did not.

**StarklyAlina☑** : mal can teach isaak how to say “mai waaaaaaaaife” really loud

**Andreyev** : I would like that :)


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